Somebody once predicted that as the world became a more homogenized place, stuff everywhere would gradually become less like the stuff it used to be and more like the stuff everywhere else.

This oppressive sameness would seem to have come true with regard to certain aspects of civilization. I’m thinking shopping malls. And subdivisions. And if most cars (at least within the two or three main categories) are virtually the identical car with a different nameplate, it also appears that car advertising, as found in one, single copy of National Post Business Magazine (April) is now identical.

The Ad consists of, in order of popularity (a) one three-quarter shot of the car taken from the front, passenger side, (b) one three-quarter shot of the car taken from the front, driver side, (c) one side profile shot of the car, and (d) a rear three-quarter shot of the car, and (e) a mostly head-on shot of the car especially if you’re The BMW Ad. The Shot is placed on an (a) blank, or (b) non-intrusive background or (c) a distant mountain range but only if you’re The SUV Ad.

There is a short, pompous/banal/ pretentious headline. If there is any body copy, it will sound as though it has been badly translated from an Official North Korean source. Such body copy will be set in four lines of very tiny type, flush left and right.

Here’s a Volvo SUV ad, kids. The First SUV Safe Enough to be a Volvo says the headline. Volvo photo is (a) above. Background is (b) above, which could be the main street of Bracebridge, Ont. I guess we should expect the word safe to show up here, but its juxtaposition with the term SUV is interesting, with what we hear about SUVs these days. Should Volvo dare to be the only car company so principled as to not make one? Well, clearly, no. But this one could be subtitled If you’ve gotta have an SUV, why not have the one least likely to kill you and your family outright?

Flip the page, and we’re in Infiniti SUV land. Again the shot is (a) above. In fact, it looks a darn sight like the Volvo. But this time, a man is shown torturing himself as the copy reminds us. Type is spewing from his brain, which says need an SUV or conversely want a sports car. Hey, the only remotely interesting cars are SUVs and sports cars, so Infinity tells us their SUV is also a sports car. That’s called positioning. Damned clever, eh?

Flip flip and boom here’s a double-pager for the Acura TSX. The Shot is (c) above, the background is (b) being sky. The headline reads It has that new benchmark smell. Remember that old benchmark smell? Well this ain’t it, buddy. This is the new one. There’s a power line that reads The next level from Acura. You can go figure out just where that smell is emanating from, or what that next level is on your own time. No body copy. Not even a URL. Screw ’em if they can’t spot a new benchmark, eh?

Toyota double-truck ad for a van. Shot is (c), background is (a). Headline? HOLDS ENOUGH 4X8 SHEETS OF PLYWOOD TO BUILD ITS OWN GARAGE. Copy tells us the damn thing is big inside, but wait! It’s sleek, stylish and compact outside. So much so you aren’t even going to want to hide it in that garage you’re going to build from all those 4×8 plywood sheets. Remember the plywood? You go unload it. We’ll be at the pool.

There’s a Lincoln ad. The shot is (a). The background is (a). The head reads IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR THE GERMAN IMPORT, IT SHOULD BE ALONG ANY MINUTE NOW. The copy advises us to say hello to the Lincoln. Four pages later, the promised German Import arrives, too. Well actually, first we see a page showing a fuzzy shot of a stone bridge with four semi-circular arches, so the arches are reflected in the still waters of the stream below. Four circles. Audi logo. Get it? Flip the page, and there’s the Audi (e) beside the bridge. A tiny line says A8, A Study in Design. Takes a while, but it makes you think, doesn’t it. Yeah. Wow. Shit.

A Chrysler Pacifica, shot (b) against a (b). Headline, A new concept of space and luxury. If the copywriter had had a few beers with the Infiniti copywriter, it mighta been A new concept of space, luxury and sports car.

The Subaru Outback, shot (b) against (c) is For those who like to be stirred by nature, not shaken. GMC mixes it up with an Envoy shot (a), (b), (c) and (d) plus a grizzly bear and a grizzled guy. On strat with Outback positioning, it expresses effete luxury this way: IN SEARCH OF COMFORT, A BEAR WILL LINE ITS DEN WITH GRASS AND LEAVES. I, HOWEVER, REQUIRE A LITTLE MORE REFINEMENT. Another brainteaser!

And finally, a BMW, shot (e), wonders out loud that since having successfully created the Sport Coupe segment more than 30 years ago and having developed a unique and dramatic character that others could only hope to duplicate then how can one compete with the BMW 3 Series being selected for Car and Driver’s 2002 ’10 Best’ list for the twelfth consecutive year? Hey, you would be Dummkopfe, ja?

Barry Base creates advertising campaigns for a living. He writes this column to blow off steam, and as a thinly disguised lure to attract clients who may imagine working with him could be a productive and amusing experience. Barry can be reached at (416) 924-5533, or faxed at (416) 960-5255, at the Toronto office of Barry Base & Partners.