In my never-ending quest to enlighten the readers of Strategy, I was riding the Toronto subway the other day. I looked upward, and my eyes discerned the following words, advertising a local radio station called 102.1 The Edge.

I hit the snooze button too many times this morning. Waking up to music is hard to do. I should’ve called in sick. Hmmm, my throat is feeling a little itchy. I must be getting that cold that’s going around. I don’t want to get everyone at work sick. That would be stupid. I wish I could work from home. Maybe I’ll go back to school. Learn a trade or something. I wish someone would pay me to sit on my couch, watch TV and eat junk food. I should have called in sick. I guess I’m on The Edge.

This is a very interesting piece of copy to an expert like me on marketing/communications trends. The message seems to be a) describing a typical Edge listener; and b) describing someone who, in less politically correct times, one might have been tempted to call a loser.

This is not the way I was brought up in the ad biz. I always thought you were supposed to stroke your audience, make them feel even better than perhaps they really are. I thought you made the guy who bought your sports car into Jacques Villeneuve, the woman who chose your floor wax into Martha Stewart. I thought you coddled their aspirations, told them they could be king and queen of the prom if they didn’t sit on the couch, watch TV and eat junk food.

But hey, times change. I guess this is a cynical, ad-jaded era, and you’ve got to show your prospects in warts-and-all detail, no matter what that does to your brand character and the self-esteem of your audience. I guess that explains the frazzled woman whose Volkswagen is too weak to do a towing job. I guess that explains the two nerds eating Smarties, unable to lure the lovely Vanessa until they throw caution to the winds and eat the green ones last.

You know, the more I think about it, the more I think they’re on to something. As a high-paid communications consultant, I could adapt The Edge’s approach to all kinds of other bigtime products. Let’s see now, how about…

I’ve got my priorities all figured out. I don’t really want style in my automobile. For another 20 or 30 bucks a month, I could trade up to something with a little flair…but I’d rather use that money to stand in front of John Burghardt in the line at the convenience store and buy Lotto 6-49 tickets. Let Tiger Woods have his Buick and Arnold Schwarzenegger drive his Hummer, I’m proud to be a Tercel man.

Sure, that works. And then we could go to…

When I walk into a bar, I’m not lookin’ for a beer that tastes better than dishwater. Or one that’s got its ingredients on the label, or a two-century heritage, or a funny ad campaign about inventing Tupperware. No sir-ee, man, what I want is the opportunity to strut across the pub holding a see-through bottle with a silly little slice of lime stickin’ out of the top. Does that send a signal, or what? It’ll always be Corona for me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where has this technique been all my life? Here comes another one…

I know exactly what to tell those research guys I want in a breakfast cereal. I’m a great mom, and I want nutrition, and fiber, and eleven different grains from all four food groups. But when I’m walking down the Loblaws aisle, I get real. I reach right past all that healthy stuff and I grab the one that’ll keep Edgar behind his sports page and the kids from throwing the bowl across the room. I guess I’m a Froot Loops kind of woman.

This is terrific. And hey, marketing vice-president readers, I can do the same for your brand. Call 416-693-5072 right away, and I’ll be happy to make your audience into losers at my very competitive rates.

John Burghardt’s checkered resume includes the presidency of a national agency, several films for the Shah’s government in Iran, collaboration with Jim Henson to create the Cookie Monster, and a Cannes Gold Lion. The letterhead of his thriving business now reads ‘STRATEGIC PLANNING * CREATIVE THINKING.’ He can be reached by phone at (416) 693-5072 or by e-mail at burgwarp@aol.com.